Society is making me mean, #AhmedMac

Day by day I'm going away from my religion, my culture. Society is brainwashing me to be mean and live like others. I struggled for years to live like how a muslim should, but eventually when I reached the verge of destruction, I had to learn to bow my head according to the circumstances. Now I feel bad that I'm becoming more like others, I have started thinking like others, my compassion for others is going away from me. I think it's not in my hands, everything that happens is by the permission of Allah, I have tasted faith and I can say that it was the most beautiful taste I ever had. Maybe I don't deserve it, maybe I'm not yet ready to have such a beautiful thing in my life. Maybe my God isn't happy from me.

Today when I hear about rape incidents, I don't feel that sad anymore, I used to feel their pain once. But now I'm becoming a person like everyone else who just cares for himself. I hate rape culture, I have a great sympathy with such victims, I'm your brother, I'm your friend, no one may pray for you but I shall always. I can't forget what my religion taught me, I won't be a human unless I have the feelings of a human. Humanity is the thing that makes someone a human. I am not saying this to impress anyone, some people who know me from years do know it too, that I had a great desire of giving shelter and love to the victims of war and rape, they're my brothers and sisters, that's what my religion taught me. I wanted to marry 4 of them and motivate people to marry them too. I thought it to be possible. I thought that I'll be strong enough to stand against society, I thought that I'll have much assets to do good at every level possible. But now it seems impossible to me, it seems imaginary.

I had faith that the people who do good get the capability to complete their missions and win against evil, but I was wrong, this world is not an easy game, you can't just devise a simple formula of life. The people who do good are tested the most in this world. I used to be an optimist, I used to imagine a perfect world, I still do. But my spirits have gone rogue, I'm a pessimist now. Still Insha-Allah, if I got the chance to do good at any level, then I shall. May God help me fulfill my promise. I'm a sinner too, not a pious person, I was heading towards that, but I'm getting lost. May Allah forgive, help and guide us all (ameen).